The True Cost of Much Less Than a Pound of Flesh

When I removed the bandage from my lumpectomy I nearly passed out in the shower.  Not because it hurt.  But because of what I saw.  No blood.  No infection.  But I had to deal suddenly with the realization that my breast now has a different shape.  Where there was once a curve, there is now a flat spot.  It's not a huge change.  As long as I'm wearing a bra or a good quality swimsuit no one will be able to tell.  But I know.

I knew that having some flesh removed from my breast was going to change the shape of it.  It's logical.  This breast was already far from perfect to start with.  I already have a large keloid scar on a different part of the breast from having a benign cyst removed several years ago.  And for some reason the old scar doesn't bother me near as much as this new dent.

I think the issue is that this cancer thing has now officially taken something from me.  The Big C has robbed me of the shape of my breast.  It's a small flat spot.  It shouldn't bother me.  Most women with breast cancer lose much larger areas of their breast, if not the entire breast.  I'm fortunate to escape with just a flat spot.  Yet at the same time...I feel like this was cancer's small victory.  And I don't want cancer to be victorious over me in any way.

I expect that in more time, the flat spot won't bother me any more.  It won't be cancer's victory over me.  It'll be my badge of honor of my victory over cancer.  I guess everything takes a little time to process fully.  From what I read I can expect my flat spot to become a bit more pronounced as I progress through radiation therapy.  I'll get used to it.  I'll likely even forget about it most of the time.  Someday.  But not just yet.

Insomnia and the Lumpectomy

I couldn't sleep last night.  And I guess insomnia is normal in this situation.  My lumpectomy is today.

Today the surgeon will go back into the same site where she did the excision biopsy and remove more tissue.  When she originally removed the lesion she took some margin tissue from around the cyst.  Three sides of this tissue were cancer-free.  One side was still touching more cancer.  So more tissue must go.  Get the cancer out.  Make it go away.

The procedure itself really isn't a big deal.  It's scheduled for 7:30 this morning.  And I'll probably be home resting comfortably on my couch by 9:30 AM.  She just needs to reopen the old wound and take a little bit more tissue.

So why can't I sleep?  There's nothing to worry about.  The worst part of the whole ordeal for me really is the fact that I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything until after the surgery is done.  Right now I would love nothing more than a toasted English muffin and a nice cup of coffee.  Or at least a drink of water.  Ignoring my desire to eat and drink would be much easier if I were sleeping.  But fate didn't make this easy for me.

Insomnia and fasting don't mix well.