The Waiting

I've spent the last few days away from my computer, doing the family and holiday thing.  It was nice to have a good distraction for a while.  But now I am home.  The gifts are all opened.  And I still have cancer.

I think more than anything else I'm just good and ready for life to start moving forward.  Let's get the cancer out.  Start the radiation.  Let me move toward my future cancer-free life.  But instead I wait.

I keep telling myself everything is going to be fine.  I will be cured.  I'm lucky that this was found early.  I'm lucky that I won't need chemo.  But at the same time I'm freaking about the path ahead.  I'm not sure how I'm going to balance my responsibilities at work with how tired the radiation is going to make me.  And I know I'm going to have to give up my dreams of fun things I was hoping to do this spring.  I won't get to audition for Oklahoma at Altoona Community Theatre like I had hoped.  I can't think about planning a vacation for next summer.  Any home improvement projects will be off the table.

Maybe I'm being selfish.  But I think I may need to be a little selfish for a while.  I need to look out for me.  For my health.  It's me versus cancer.  I have to be at least a little selfish if I'm going to win, right?  Am I right?