Black Friday

I've had a busy week and have a lot of things on my mind today.

This was my first full week back at work since my diagnosis, which now seems like forever ago even though it was only a few weeks.  In retrospect, I really should have taken one more day after my lumpectomy before returning to work.  I only took two days off for that procedure and the recovery because it's a tough time of year for me at work.  One more day (a Friday) would have given me a 5 day period for the surgery and recovery, which would have been a good idea.  Instead I went back to work on a Friday and I feel like I've never really caught up on the rest that procedure really required.  But I have learned my lesson and promise to allow myself to rest when I need it in the future.

Yesterday I met with my oncologist for the first time.  I really like him.  He's personable and amusing, which I like in a health care professional.  It helps to put me at ease in an otherwise uneasy situation.  The appointment basically served to lay out my path for my treatment.  I'm set up to start radiation at the end of this month.  I learned from the oncologist that radiation has the potential to weaken my bones.  I already take a daily calcium supplement because I'm kind of paranoid about becoming a stooped over old lady with osteoporosis in the future.  Now, I have extra reason to fret over that.  On Monday I'll have a Dexa Scan done to measure my bone density.  The doctor wants to have a baseline measurement so we know if the radiation is causing me any damage.  Fun, huh?  And the next step in my treatment after that is tamoxifen.  This drug has produced excellent results in reducing recurrence of cancer.  It also will give me side effects that simulate menopause.  Bring on the hot flashes and mood swings!  And as an extra added bonus, when I finish my five years of tamoxifen it should be just in time for me to start my actual menopause.  I hope my boyfriend Nick is ready for this.  I may be hormonal and on my own personal tropical vacations for the next decade!

This was kind of a lot to swallow on top of everything else I've been going through.  I'm way behind on my work and not feeling up to working beyond my normal day because I'm tired all the time.  And today all the stress mounted to a point where I had a complete meltdown at work.  I sat and cried in frustration because I just don't know how I'm going to handle everything.  My co-worker Susanna (who is a goddess and has been taking on a lot of extra tasks to help me out) was there when I broke.  And I'm so thankful.  My co-workers are really amazing and have been giving me fantastic support.  But the whole meltdown helped me to learn a little bit more about how I manage my own emotions.  I've always known that I handle anger like a volcano---it bubbles and stews and then eventually erupts all over everything.  But today I learned that I handle other emotions that same way.  I had never let the cancer really get to me.  I hadn't cried.  I played the strong one all the time.  And today I just reached a point where I had been strong for so long that I couldn't carry any more.  And when one more challenge showed up on my desk I just lost it.  All the tears that I've been holding back came out.  With the help of my co-workers I put myself back together and finished the work day (and finished some of the big projects that had been weighing heavily on me).  But I'm going to have to be careful about this one in the future to make sure I don't lose it in a situation that isn't as acceptable as today's being alone in the office with a co-worker who is also a friend.

When I arrived at home after this very long, tiresome week of work I was greeted by mail from my health insurance company.  I know I'm very blessed to have good health insurance.  Today's mail was the second half of the claim processed for my excision biopsy.  With the surgeon's fee, the operating room, the anesthesia, pre-surgical tests, and post-surgical biopsy....the whole excision biopsy experience without insurance would have cost close to $8,000.  Thankfully, with my insurance it's only going to cost me a small fraction of that out of pocket.  But this is just the cost to FIND the cancer.  The bills and claims for the treatment are still to come.  And they're going to be much, much worse.  I'm quite grateful that my insurance has an out-of-pocket annual maximum that is a manageable amount for me.  I'm sure to hit that cap within the next month or two.  I really feel for anyone who would have to go through this without quality health insurance coverage.  But my "let's socialize healthcare" rant can wait for another time. 

For now, I'll just accept that today was one of those bad days I've heard were coming.  Tomorrow will be a better and brighter and much better-rested day.  And I'll continue on...strong once again.